Ever had someone apologize to you in a way that felt more like a slap in the face than a genuine admission of fault? And, on the flip side, have you ever received an apology that felt like a warm cup of cocoa on a chilly day? I’ve experienced both – and thankfully more of the comforting kind.
Growing up, my mom was all about good manners and kindness. She’d always say, “Say you’re sorry – it’s like a magic fixer-upper.” She taught us that apologizing could make things right, like sprinkling fairy dust on a mess. But what she also instilled in us was that a true apology comes from the heart. Anything less, like saying “sorry but” or not really meaning it, wasn’t good enough.
And that’s where so many of us struggle today—whether in leadership, relationships, or even with ourselves.
Apologizing Gone Wrong
In my leadership seminars, we give major props to apologizing. Why? People don’t trust leaders who can’t admit their mistakes, and a poor apology can do more damage than the original offense.
Similarly, in personal relationships, I often hear complaints like, “Their apology doesn’t cut it.” An insincere apology is often worse than none at all—it can create more distance and hurt.
Whether it’s at work or in your personal life, an apology that doesn’t feel genuine can backfire.
So how do we apologize in a way that fosters trust, healing, and real connection?
Common Apology Mistakes (and How to Fix Them)
Mistake # 1: Apology with a “But”
Saying, “I’m sorry, but…” isn’t really an apology. It’s more like an excuse. When we add “but,” we’re deflecting responsibility, turning the focus away from our actions.
Rectification: “I’m sorry for what I said/did. I was in a bad space, but that doesn’t make it right. How can I make it up to you?”
Mistake #2: Good Start, Bad Finish
An apology that starts well but ends poorly can start a whole new argument. “I’m sorry I did it, but you triggered me…” shifts the blame and creates more friction.
Rectification: “I’m sorry for my reaction. I didn’t handle that well, and I want us to do it differently next time. How can we work together to improve?”
Mistake #3: The Intent Mix-Up
Saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt you” misses the point. Apologies aren’t about your intention; they’re about the impact of your actions.
Rectification: “I’m sorry for what I did and for hurting you. What can I do to make it better? How can I make amends?”
Mistake #4: Passive-Aggressive Play
“I’m sorry you feel that way” sounds like an apology, but it’s actually dismissive. You can’t apologize for someone else’s feelings; that’s a deflection.
Rectification: “I’m sorry that my words/actions caused you pain. I will be more mindful in the future of how I speak and act.”
The Apology Is Only Step One
But here’s the hard truth: an apology, no matter how heartfelt, is only the beginning. Real change happens through actions. After the apology, it’s essential to back it up by demonstrating that you’re committed to making things right.
An apology shows strength and maturity. It shows you’re willing to be vulnerable and own your mistakes, not just for the sake of peace, but because it aligns with your values. True confidence comes from admitting when we’ve fallen short and doing the work to grow from it.
a thought on Intentional Living...
Apologies are about more than just mending the moment—they’re about living intentionally. When we apologize with sincerity, we’re realigning ourselves with our core values. We’re showing up as the best version of ourselves, committed to growth, emotional intelligence, and authenticity.
So, Next Time You Apologize...
Think about how your words and actions reflect who you truly are. Are they aligned with the person you want to be? Are you making amends in a way that fosters trust and deepens the connection?
Reflection Prompt: When was the last time you apologized with true sincerity? How can you ensure your apologies come from a place of alignment with your values?
PS: Ready to Dive Deeper?
I’d love to hear from you! Whether you feel comfortable sending me an email or prefer leaving a comment below, your thoughts are welcome. Don’t forget to connect with me on Instagram @MrsBimako for more insights on emotional intelligence, leadership, and living with authenticity.
You can also dive deeper into these related articles:
- 7 Simple Ways to Balance Success with Inner Peace
- 7 Secrets to Reclaiming Confidence that Successful Women Already Know
Let’s keep the conversation going—your journey matters!